This is a week for the stinkers! It’s a dumpster of all the worst movies the studios have made all year, because they are biding time while they wait for the Oscars. In the meantime, you get the stuff that should have gone straight to video! Lucky you!
Mortdecai
Johnny Depp stars as a swashbuckling British art dealer; Gwyneth Paltrow plays his wife. Together they are trying to uncover a stolen artwork at the behest of British spy agency MI5 (where Ewan McGregor works), taking them around the world, where they encounter bad girls (Olivia Munn) and bad guys. It’s based on a 70s novel, “Don’t Point That Thing At Me,” and is aiming for some Austin Powers grooviness.
Perfect For: You like slapstick comedies with A-list actors? We’re not sure who the target audience is here.
What the Critics Say: Should be funnier than it is. Writes Variety: “Energetic but obstinately unfunny, David Koepp's throwback farce is a showcase for Johnny Depp at his most self-amused.” And writes the Wrap: “While watching this new caper, I was reminded why movies like this are called soufflés in the first place: if they don't stay perfectly aloft, they collapse.”
Our Take: Oh, well.
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The Boy Next Door
What starts off as a cougar fantasy (cute, young guy next door romances the sexy older woman played by Jennifer Lopez), turns into a stalker obsession story. Lopez’s career as a high school teacher is threatened when he manages to get assigned to her class, and then attempts to blackmail her when she turns him down after their one night together.
Perfect For: Well, if this was a better version of a stalker movie, I’d say fans of Fatal Attraction.
What the Critics Say: Very bad, no good, and a missed camp opportunity. Writes Entertainment Weekly: “Boy's premise reeks of stalker-movie mothballs, and it's too timid to fully dive into the high camp it hints at. Instead, this cookie just crumbles.”
Our Take: Even the manly eye candy isn’t enough for this gal.
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Cake
Jennifer Aniston gets uglied up—complete with scars—for this role as a depressed woman and car accident survivor, suffering from chronic pain. She’s obsessed with a woman from her support group who committed suicide and entangles herself in the suicide victim’s former life while alienating everyone else around her in her own.
Perfect For: You if you like serious, sad dramas and Jennifer Aniston.
What the Critics Say: Meant to be Oscar bait, and while Aniston’s performance is good, even great, the movie is not. Writes Rolling Stone: “It's Aniston, a no-bull force of nature, who toughens things up. She doesn't skim the surface of Claire Simmons, an L.A. divorcee hooked on painkillers; she inhabits her with restraint, bruised emotion and scathing wit. Instead of playing Claire's symptoms – scars on her face, chest and back – she finds what's raw and festering underneath.”
Our Take: I’m not sure I’d want to spend two hours with these characters, but Aniston’s performance might be worth checking out.
Watch the Trailer:
Strange Magic
A Lucasfilm animated flick that takes its cues from Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. In place of Puck and company, there are imps, goblins, elves, fairies, and other otherworldly creatures gallivanting around a magical forest. It has a cool visual look.
Perfect For: Kids, their parents, and fans of great animation.
What the Critics Say: Off the beaten path from the usual animated films, but not necessarily in an entirely good way. Writes USA Today: “Strange Magic is strange all right, but hardly magical.”
Our Take: A missed opportunity.
Watch the Trailer:
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